"...And keep away from pregnant women and children" the man in a white coat tells me as he puts the needle into my arm. Disturbing though that is there is not much I can do stuck on the gurney. And there was me thinking I was the victim but now I have become a social pariah. How did we get to this sorry state of affairs? Being ganked by a pavement, tripping up and falling arse over tit and landing on my hand since you asked. All this while being completely sober. It turns out that my hand isn't designed for landing, consequently my body is being pumped full of radioactive toxins to allow the bone scanner to take a better selfie. It's not good news. Not only do I now glow in the dark but I have a fractured wrist that is promptly covered in plaster.
That was three weeks ago. Of course, this isn't the worst thing in the world. Many people have to live with much worse but these things are relative. I was kind of familiar with having two hands so being denied the use of one is informative. Who knew I used my left hand to pick my nose or open doors. The novelty soon wears out though as the reality dawns that I have become an Alpha Kong - a pale reflection of the Omega Kong I once was. Everything just takes so much longer, is more complex and results in substandard results. Just try tying shoelaces with one hand. It gets emotional. Wallowing in self pity, I end up watching copious amounts of Netflix. The life of the one arm bandit is not one to aspire to.
Speaking of which, there is only so much binge TV I can watch before my mental state comes into question. So I broke the monotony and took to watching EveVegas on Twitch. Being Halloween and all that I was hoping to see a grisly horror show. CCP did not disappoint.
Proceedings started with "No Plan for Outer Space". In this film, a young Executive Producer of a little known spaceship game takes to the stage to tell the world about the product. Shockingly, she finds she has to call on all her experience and professionalism when she discovers someone has stolen the game route-map. Suspicions soon indicate that evil Eve Valkyrie and her seditious band of bean counters might have had something to do with it. Not to be continued...
I was hooked. I wanted more. And I got it with "The Silence of the Newbies" featuring CCP_Ghost in the main role and virginal Eve players as his victims. CCP_Ghost is clearly not of this world. Don't get grumpy now, you know everyone thinks it and his name gives it away in any case. The main thrust of the plot seemed to be ex-policeman develops an unhealthy desire in examining peoples brains. It turns out this is the only way to make a decent New Player Experience. Obviously.
OK so that one was a bit hard to grasp but a more accessible comedy came on later with "Honey I Shrunk the Player Activity II". I don't want to give out any spoilers but it is a worthy sequel to the much critiqued "Honey I Shrunk the Player Activity I" where an enthusiastic, polite CCP Dev attempts to make Eve great again. Taking advice from his very close friends he implements a new structure into the game with hilarious results as the players rush for the door. Featuring a cast of thousands, the new film seeks to build on the tried and tested formula.
By now EveVegas was buzzing with expectation, or was it alcohol, for the next film. The Return of the Living Dead. After a dubious ship re-balance, a CCP Dev - let's call him Steve, finds himself locked in the Team Size Matters broom closet by his colleagues. Panicking and desperate to get out he accidentally presses a big red button that has "DO NOT TOUCH!" clearly written on it. The subsequent chain reaction causes the dead to rise again as alpha clones. Determined to fix this disaster, our hero disguises himself as an alpha clone to find out their weaknesses. After welping 35 exploration ships in 3 weeks it turns out that alpha clones are hopeless and only have weaknesses. They will probably die out anyway. Omega clones can sleep safely. Besides, given Eve's ageing demographics, most of Eve's living dead are probably actually dead. They are unlikely to be residing in the real Eden however as I suspect somewhere warmer calls.
OK enough. Do you realise how long it took to write this with one hand? The sooner my wrist improves better. Many thanks to CCP for a shocking and scary Halloween.
Update 02/11: This piece was written before the sad loss of BigCountry was announced. Condolences and thoughts go out to his family. A big character in Eve community. There is nothing I can say that hasn't been bettered by Dirk MacGirk. Fly safe big fella o7.